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When and How to Talk of One's Self - part
6
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The ruin of conversation is continuing to talk about one's indifferent personal problems after the group is ready to advance to more generalized impersonal things. Even worse is depressing it to personalia from a higher level. It is the habit of some people, when a general topic is discussed, to take it personally, and so to drag the topic from its general level to one of personalities — in which they relate their personal experience. An extreme case is that of the fellow who generalizingly said that life consists of people who wait and those who are waited for, corresponding roughly to those who love and those who are being loved. Thereupon his betrothed, instead of discussing this general proposition, said, "Well, tonight you called on me late — I was waiting. The same thing happened last week. I take it, therefore, that you do not love me!" In this way, the conversation was ruined. It may well be that the hat fit, but one does not have to wear in public every hat that fits. In conversation at least, one may not drag a general statement down to a personal problem — one may not publicly apply it personally. Let the rule be, keep the conversation general in theme, impersonal in instance and detail. Do not drag it back to the personal, once it has been raised above it.
In all three types of talking of one's self, the ever lurking imp in the ego is that of slyly insinuating a few deft pats on one's own back. This is the most pitiful sin of conversation. It is also a continuous temptation even to fine people. It is as persistent as original sin. Too few resist it well. It is the bad taste of much conversation. The more sly it is, the worse it tastes. The outright boast can be answered with a witticism. The sly pat on one's own back can only be swallowed with pity by those who love us, with contempt by those who don't.
A common device of those who are less clever is to apologize for their self-praise with the weak, "even if I do say so myself." A person should think twice before saying anything good about himself for which that apology seems to be needed. If a person feels that it needs to be added, he had better not inflict upon others that which an old proverb declares to be odorous. "Eigenlob stinkt" — "Self-praise smells," say the Germans. Sometimes I have had my stomach turn dangerously as some otherwise respectable lady would tell us with a straight face, that, as she went shopping with her college-age daughter, the clerk said, "I see you are sisters." Another says, "Whenever we eat out, my husband says to our son John, 'They just can't put the personality into it that mother can, eh, John?' " A third says, less slyly, "I may not be able to do anything else, but I do keep my house spic and span." A man says, "My boss always says to me, 'Done already, John? How do you manage to do it?' " Regarding all such types of self-praise I would quote Hamlet's remark to the players: "Pray you, avoid it."
Related terms include improve skill and improve learning.
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