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Personality Adjustment for Conversation - part
7
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In all questioning you should observe certain cautions and rules. By this time most people know that they are not, in general company, to inquire of anyone his age, nationality, religion, or income. But you must be cautious beyond that. Before asking any question, you should reflect if any circumstances might make it embarrassing or unwelcome. Under circumstances, questions like, "Where is your wife tonight?" (or husband, sweetheart, boy friend), or "Were you to early or late Mass on Sunday?" or "What did John give you for your birthday?" or "Was that your sister I saw you with Wednesday evening?" might well be unwelcome. Unthinkingly asking a person what make of car he drives (if he should happen to have none), where he works (if the position is a humble or menial one), where she lives (if the street or quarter is a shabby one), where he went to college (if he happens not to have attended any) produces unnecessary embarrassment or humiliation. Of course, if you have reason to surmise that a person is a banker or drives a custom-made or lives on Society Hill, then by all means ask about it, but otherwise confine yourself to provocative suggestions. If you say to someone, "At least two people I met here tonight live on Park Avenue," he will, if he is content with his own address, easily enough volunteer where he lives.
You should avoid asking anyone those perfunctory or conventional questions which he could not answer in the negative without offending. When you ask a guest, "Did you sleep well?" "Did you like the dinner?" what can the poor man say? Ordinarily, questions such as, "Do you like your teacher?" "Do you get along well with your mother-in-law?" "Did you enjoy your honeymoon?" and a dozen similar ones, should not be asked, because they cannot be answered with a no without offense to someone. If you merely mention honeymoon to either one of a couple who truly enjoyed it, you will set off the testimony for it; and if this reaction does not follow, you know that it would not have been felicitous to ask about it directly.
You should avoid asking anyone fact, quiz, or achievement questions, to which he may have to acknowledge ignorance. Bacon rightly said that if you address a question to someone skilled to answer it, you will give him "occasion to please" himself in speaking. But only teachers in classrooms have the sour privilege of directing questions to victims who are likely not to know the answers! Even such common questions as whether one knows or has read a certain book, or whether one knows such and such a person in some institution or locality produce a slight frustration and humiliation if one has to reply in the negative. The proper technique is to name the book or the person invitingly. If you say, "So you studied at Marquette! A friend of mine, Dr. Archer, teaches English there," your companion will naturally say, "Oh, yes, I know him," or he can gracefully evade the suggestion, if he doesn't know him, and say, "Talking of English, Marquette is one university that doesn't believe in letting English down just to push football up."
Related terms include improve skills and improve your public speaking skills.
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