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The Do's and Don't's of Agreeable Conversation - part 1

The paradoxical one is that to be an agreeable talker one must be a good listener. Good listening is as important to good conversation as the canvas is to the painting. Con­versation being the most human of arts, a good talker should be about as much canvas as paint. It is not true, however, as many say, that silence of itself is better than talking. Active, sympathetic listening is a fine thing, but even then only as a complement to speech. If the Apostles had forever listened and never talked, there would be no Christianity.

Most sayings in praise of silence are excessive. Carlyle, who did not practice it, said, "Silence is the eternal duty of man"; Benjamin Disraeli wrote, "Silence is the mother of Truth"; and Menander claimed, "All things, save silence, bring repentance." In the Gesta Romanorum we read, "Hear, see, and be silent, if you wish to live in peace." True, but then, why be a man at all, why not be a jellyfish. True also that Hitler and Mussolini, had they never talked, would have lived their lives out in peace. But so would Lincoln and Joan of Arc and John the Baptist. And so would He whose sandals St. John thought himself unworthy to loose.

No, silence is not a virtue in itself. But it is an in­dispensable background for good talk. As Montaigne, the earliest essayist, wrote, "Silence and modesty are very valuable qualities in the art of conversation." One can also say to a conversationalist what Shakespeare advises, "Be check'd for silence, But never tax'd for speech." We may also agree with La Bruyere, "We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much."

At any rate a person who talks to please others more than himself will make sure that he does his share of listening and that he keeps improving himself in the art of listening. The fundamental in this art is a sincere sympa­thy with the speaker and the will to get some pleasure or wisdom from him. Christ's Golden Rule of doing to others as we want to be done by is the best prescription. If you try to realize how it discommodes you when, while talking, someone appears to be disinterested, you will give the speaker the attention and sympathy you want yourself. This is the quickest way to earn the unconscious gratitude of nearly everyone with whom you associate.

A good listener is not a person who merely keeps quiet. It is one whose eyes are kept on the speaker's face, whose expression registers the emotion proper to what is said. It is one who above all does not fidget with his hands or squirm in his chair or slouch languidly down upon it. It is one who, as the ball of talk is hit back and forth, follows it from speaker to speaker and is ever alert to catch it, without scrambling for it.

Related terms include word speak and speaking vocabulary.